With the summer solstice drawing closer and closer, everyone’s feeling a little spunky…but there’s still only war.
New Necrons: You’ve been spit on and laughed at. You haven’t been taken seriously in years. People made fun of your appearance. They said you’re “too shiny,” “too rusty,” or “just plan dumb lookin’.” You haven’t been bestowed with the sought after “OP” tag in years. The best you’ve been able to muster is, “yeah, with the right pilot they can maybe go 4-1.” But now, everything is different. You got a makeover from Daddy (James Workshop), and everyone’s eyebrows are raised. You’re getting your very own bandwagon! (Make sure you stock it with cheese.)
But how do I deal with this attention, you ask. Well my dear metal monster, you’re going to be the hottest thing on the block for a while. Don’t let it go to your head like those juiced up muscle men. Keep your values. Continue the flaying, the extermination, and your absolute hatred of all living beings. Above all else, you cannot compromise yourself to fit someone else’s ideal. Keep living your truth. Keep trying to erase all life in the galaxy.
Chaos Knights: You’ve always been…kind of dumb. You and your ilk of giant metal monstrosities have plagued tabletops and planets for a while now. And you fell off there for a while. Top of the dog pile to the bottom, but will this change bring you good fortune? Your aura is strong, seeker. I can see it emanating from the spike atop your shoulders. But there will always be haywire and smash captains as thorns in your side; fully rerollable mass firepower to fell you. You feel strange, but don’t we all? Just keep it up, James Workshop will bring you to the forefront before long.
Ninth Edition: You sure are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. You feel confident. But beware; there are legions of gamers waiting to tar and feather you and lead you to the internet’s chopping block. But, you bring good tidings along with doubt. People should probably just be calm. You’re a veiled path and everyone is walking to you. The wisdom I offer you is thus: please be amazing.
The Silent King: You’re the epitome of the strong silent type. You’re aloof, mysterious, and for that, the ladies love you. You feel most at home when you’re on the road, and when you have to set foot on solid earth, it’s only essential if it’s part of your master plan. As a child, your parents said to speak up if you want to eat. You sure showed them when you morphed them in soulless automotons. Since your blood moon is rising, and the C’Tan is in the house of the Cicatrix Maledictum, consider Warp-Yoga to limber up. You’ve got a lot of work to do.
Swarmlord: You’re the boss, man. There’s never been anyone cooler, and certainly no one with as many arms! You’re basically General Patton, or Alexander the great. You don’t need a billion subheadings to your title like that Trajan guy. There’s a lot of power in a name, and yours is the most concise of all. Trust your identity. You are the spearhead and lord of the swarm, even when you’re cowering behind a giant wall, launching your cronies to deal with the enemy before you get your multiple limbs and tail dirty.
Reader: I assume you are now enlightened. Any horoscopes you want me to divine? Throw them in the comments below!
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